The week's 10 best political jokes – May 18, 2012

This week - Gay Marriage and Bullies

Posted by: OhMyGov! | 06:05 AM

10. "Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers." –Conan O'Brien

9. "Ron Paul made an announcement on Monday, saying he's dropping out of the race for president. This was his third race for president. He ran in 2008 against John McCain and against Lincoln in 1860." –Jimmy Kimmel

8. "President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!" –Jay Leno

7. "In an interview with ABC News on Wednesday, President Obama said, 'It is important for me to affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.' OK buddy, we get it, you're not a Muslim." –Seth Meyers

6. "The average college graduate now leaves school $27,000 in debt. But the good news is that now it means they are more than qualified to work as financial advisers at JPMorgan." –Jay Leno

5. "I just read about a new 24-hour day care that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support." –Jimmy Fallon

4. "Mitt Romney has issued an apology for some of his high school pranks that went a little too far. Probably the meanest prank was the time he bought his high school and fired everyone in it." –Conan O'Brien

3. "Today Mitt Romney apologized for holding down Michele Bachmann's husband and cutting his hair." –Jay Leno

2. "After President Obama announced his support for gay marriage, his campaign raised a million dollars in 90 minutes. That explains why today Mitt Romney actually supported gay marriage from noon to 1:30." –Jimmy Fallon

1. "Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney's starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs." –Jay Leno

For our Maher fans:

"President Obama said he was evolving and then he came out for gay marriage. Conservatives, of course, are furious – not about the gay thing, about evolution." –Bill Maher

"Bristol Palin accused Obama of pandering to teenagers who watch one too many episodes of 'Glee.' Says the girl who got knocked up after watching one too many episodes of 'Teen Mom.'" –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said marriage should be between one man and one woman, the way it has always been – with the exception of all of my relatives in Utah, my dad who was born in Mexico, my great-grandfather who left the damn country to get away from one-man, one-woman marriage. Other than that I'm a strict conservative on the subject." –Bill Maher

"When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt's tastes…I don't know what it's like at your salon, but at mine, isn't the guy cutting the hair the gay one?" –Bill Maher

"There is something indicative about his character because it seems like Mitt Romney was kind of a bully. This was not the only bullying thing he did. He also took poor kids' lunch money – oh, I'm sorry, that's his present-day economic policy." –Bill Maher

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The week's 10 best political jokes – May 11, 2012

Bush's second term...if he had caught Bin Laden

Posted by: OhMyGov! | 06:08 AM

10. "President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel

9. "President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. In fact, he changed his campaign slogan from 'forward' to fabulous." –Jay Leno

8. "Today Barack Obama became the first sitting president to push the rainbow button and launch gay-mageddon." –Stephen Colbert

7. "Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson

6. "In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom 'Will & Grace' made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

5. "Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants. Let's just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?" David Letterman

4."President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president's exact words were, 'I hope I won't have to change my address.'" –Conan O'Brien

3. "Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'" –Conan O'Brien

2."Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume." –Bill Maher

1. "Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan." –Jay Leno

For our Maher fans:

"Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we're winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we're not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech." –Bill Maher

"And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?" –Bill Maher

"And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?" –Bill Maher

"New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a 'wild ride.' Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland." –Bill Maher

"Mitt got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann's husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney." –Bill Maher

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The week's 10 best political jokes – May 4, 2012

After endorsing Romney, Perry said out of the one candidate left, he's the best.

Posted by: OhMyGov! | 08:39 AM

10. "You know who's in town today? Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney has not been in New York City since he used to anchor the Channel 7 news." –David Letterman

9. "Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it's known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day." –Conan O'Brien

8. "Here's a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul." –Jay Leno

7. "Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He's 160 years old. Of course he's unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress." –Craig Ferguson

6. "Republicans release a new anti-Obama attack ad. I can't wait to hear what country he was born in now!" –Stephen Colbert

5. "So let me get this straight. Republicans, you're annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President's political ad. You think he's divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a fucking aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started!" -Jon Stewart, blasting GOP hypocrisy over President Obama's Osama bin Laden ad

4. "Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country." –Jay Leno

3. "A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with him as well." –Jay Leno

2. "We're learning more and more about that whole Secret Service sex scandal. Apparently the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. I mentioned this the other night: the guy who kept wanting to change positions, his nickname was "Mitt." The main guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later... his nickname was "Obama." Kind of interesting." –Jay Leno

1. "Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he's the best." –Conan O'Brien

 
David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens"

10. "How's puberty going?"
9. "Where do you summer?"
8. "Do you fellows play sportball?"
7. "Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap"
6. "You teens are just the right height"
5. "Check out my sick Windsor knot"
4. "Would you like to see my dancing horse?"
3. "Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity"
2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?")
1. "Didn't I fire your father?"

For our Maher fans:

"Mitt Romney swept recent primaries. There was a big Mormon celebration afterward. People were drinking apple juice and eating animal crackers until nearly 9 p.m." –Bill Maher

"It looks like the Republicans are going back to the strategy of 2008 where Obama is characterized as a celebrity. Says the party who is gay for Ronald Reagan. Come on, you can't worship Ronald Reagan and then attack Obama for being a celebrity. That's like running Chris Christie and saying Obama has a fat ass." –Bill Maher

"Mitt has to be very careful because he doesn’t want to pick a vice president who will overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Oates." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich says he's going to make an announcement on Tuesday that he's suspending his presidential campaign. Yes, he's letting us down gently. And also because technicians are still working on Callista to install her sad face." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Let's follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it's worth. And we don't need another copper-colored reminder that government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner." –Bill Maher

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The week's 10 best political jokes – April 27, 2012

Still drawing late night attention...

Posted by: OhMyGov! | 06:48 AM

10. "In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world." –David Letterman

9. "Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country." –Jay Leno

8. "Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards." –Conan O'Brien

7. "Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.'" –Conan O'Brien

6. "Yesterday the Secret Service said they’re interviewing rock star Ted Nugent because of remarks that he made that made them think he might be threatening the President’s life. Now look, I don’t agree with Ted Nugent on almost anything. But to call him a threat is ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as to call him a rock star, but ridiculous nevertheless." –Bill Maher

5. "It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA." –Jay Leno

4. "Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something." –Bill Maher

3. "One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $800 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute. I've got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars." –David Letterman

2. "Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did 'Slow Jam the News,' he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, 'Dude, don't you have a country to run?'" –Jimmy Fallon

1. From David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk": #1. Always nags you to guard the president instead of sleeping with hookers

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The week's 10 best political jokes – April 20, 2012

Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia?

Posted by: OhMyGov! | 11:39 AM

10. "President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women." –Conan O'Brien

9. "In case you're wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander." –Jimmy Kimmel

8. "The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you." –Jimmy Kimmel

7. "Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces." –Conan O'Brien

6. "President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." –Jay Leno

5. If you feel angry about so much money in this country going to defense, don't forget, if we didn't spend more money on weapons than every other country combined, then Iran could not put the bomb they don't have on the Koran rocket that doesn't work." –Bill Maher

4. "The Democrats accuse the Republicans of launching a war on women. Then the Republicans accuse the Democrats of the same thing. At this point, who can remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds?" –Stephen Colbert

3. "Ann Romney...is defending her husband for once strapping the family dog to the roof of their station wagon on a family trip, saying, 'The dog loved it.' Unfortunately the dog could not be reached for comment because he ran away to stay with Michael Vick." –Conan O'Brien

2. "Google, I am shocked. You stole people's personal information without their permission? That is Facebook's job!" –Jon Stewart

1. "The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those." –Jimmy Kimmel

More for or our Maher fans:

"Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself." –Bill Maher

"It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan." –Bill Maher

"The pundits say Santorum pulled out at just the right time, which is also his birth control policy." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If you order the new Pizza Hut pizza with the hotdog-stuffed crust, you have to pay more for healthcare. And stop acting like this is a new idea. For years, Marcus Bachmann has been telling the delivery guy’ I'd like a wiener in my rim." –Bill Maher

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