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Get your laugh on.
Posted by: OhMyGov! | 08:17 PM
10. "Here's big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he'll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years." -David Letterman
9. "Toyota recalling 2.3 million cars because of two problems - unintended acceleration and possible brake problems. Things are not looking good for Toyota. In fact, today, two crash test dummies refused to get in the car." -Jay Leno
8. "There's a Goodwill store that's having an anti-Valentine's Day donation drive where people can give away clothes that belonged to their exes. I swear. In fact, tonight, I'm wearing one of John Edwards's old suits." -Jimmy Fallon
7. "'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' could be a thing of the past, very soon. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gays, whether they want to or not." -Jimmy Kimmel
6. "You know about this big Toyota recall? And things are dangerous, and I'm coming to work in my car. Here's how scary it is. The navigation lady was actually praying." –David Letterman
5. "And in Japan, they've developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. You know, kind of what Wall Street did with the dollar. It's the same thing." -Jay Leno
4. "You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints' fans, I'm telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time." -David Letterman
3. "Elizabeth Edwards announced that she and John have separated. So it looks like it's not just Nancy Pelosi that's going to lose the house this year." -Jay Leno
2. "Well, it seems John Edwards's mistress has gone to court to get a restraining order against the release of a sex tape she made with John Edwards. She says she's worried it will hurt her career. I thought her career was getting knocked up by presidential candidates. Well, apparently, I'm way out of line. But I don't care because this show has been canceled." -Jay Leno
1. "Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for 'Up in the Air,' Jeremy Renner for 'The Hurt Locker,' and President Obama for the 'State of the Union.'" -Jimmy Fallon
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Posted by: OhMyGov! | 05:42 AM
Learn from Tremendous News social media guru cowboy maverick expert as he teaches you how to be a complete douchebag in five easy steps.
Posted by: OhMyGov! | 07:30 AM
10. "There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair." - Craig Ferguson
9. "The speech tonight was pretty much the same thing we hear over and over again, asking us for patience and a willingness to sacrifice, things we are totally unwilling to do as Americans." -Jimmy Kimmel
8. "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger - 'I'll be back.'" -Jay Leno
7. "More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: 'What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'" -Jay Leno
6. "Well, this is kind of embarrassing. At a speech to school kids in an elementary school in Virginia, President Obama used the teleprompter. He had a teleprompter set up to talk to the kids. The topic of the speech: Never taking the easy way out by bringing a cheat sheet to school." -Jay Leno
5. "Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. They're going to the Super Bowl. The Saints beat the Vikings. Former President George Bush Sr., he was at the game. Now, his son George W. was invited. But you know him, when it comes to New Orleans, he's always, like, two weeks late." -Jay Leno
4. "Today President Obama was focused on bringing tough new regulations to banks. He said 'If these folks want a fight, that's a fight I'm ready to have.' This explains why when President Obama tried to use an ATM today, it just spit out a receipt that said 'F U.'" -Jimmy Fallon
3. "As I'm sure you know, John Edwards has finally admitted he's the father of Rielle Hunter's baby. There's a shock. Who saw that coming? Given how long it took him to admit it, the kid is now old enough not to vote for him." -Jay Leno
2. "John McCain's wife and her daughter, Meghan, have posed for pictures endorsing gay marriage here in California, although Senator McCain -- well, he's still very traditional. He believes marriage should be between an older man and a really hot-looking younger woman." -Jay Leno
1. "A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." - Jimmy Fallon
Note: Most of the late-night shows were in reruns this week
Posted by: OhMyGov! | 07:07 AM
10. "Well, in political news, the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts, filling a seat once held by Ted Kennedy. So, this could tip the delicate balance of power in the U.S. Senate from the completely incompetent back to the morally corrupt. It is Thursday, January 21st, or as John Edwards calls it, 'Father's Day.'" -Jay Leno
9. "More problems for New York Governor David Paterson. He drove across the bridge to New Jersey, apparently he had an intimate lunch with a 34-year-old married woman. An eye witness said, he was cuddling and kissing her neck. Now, I think the governor is a little confused. Just because he's legally blind, doesn't mean we can't see him." -Jay Leno
8. "During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly-elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.'" -Jimmy Fallon
7. "There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'" -Conan O'Brien
6. "This isn't good. Erroll Southers, Obama's pick to head the TSA, withdrew his name because he performed an illegal background check on his ex-wife's boyfriend. Yeah. Still, that's an improvement from the TSA's normal procedure: not performing background checks." -Jimmy Fallon
5. "Well, this is pretty sleazy. According to Edwards' former aide, a guy named Andrew Young, he says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby to do a DNA test. Apparently, the test shows that both the diaper and John Edwards were full of crap." -Jay Leno
4. "The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy's seat. The White House said today, Scott Brown won 'cause he ran a clever campaign. And Harry Reid said he won because he's a light skinned brown, with no Negro accent. That's what he said." -Jay Leno
3. "During Malia's recital, Obama was so proud. He kept turning to other parents saying, 'That's my daughter up there.' And the other parents were like, 'You mean the snowflake surrounded by Secret Service? Yeah, we got it. We know who your daughter is.'" -Jimmy Fallon
2. "I read that a year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, 'Yeah, technically that is change.'" -Jimmy Fallon
1. "Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whenever the f**k he wanted." -Jon Stewar
Posted by: Mark Malseed | 10:35 AM
If you saw our review of the new iPhone app from the White House, you'd know we were a little confused and a little let down by it. So were the folks at Everyday Banter, who spun up this amusing TV commercial parody for the app:
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