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Wednesday May 21, 2008

Federal

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Breaking Stupidity

Florida county banning smokers from government jobs

by Andrew B. Einhorn May 21 2008, 11:08 AM

On Monday, Sarasota County, Florida instituted a tobacco-free hiring policy for all new job applicants. The policy requires everyone applying for a job with the county to acknowledge that they have not smoked in the last 12 months.

All applicants will be screened for tobacco use during a new-hire physical exam to determine if they have been using tobacco products and if they have, they will not be hired.

The astoundingly overbearing policy is an attempt to combat the billions of dollars in health-related costs and work productivity losses caused by smoking. But as one blogger from Quiz Law noted: "You know what else causes 'billions in health-related economic losses and a drain on productivity?' Fat people. Why doesn’t Sarasota County prohibit employees from eating fast food...

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Great impression of Hillary practicing speeches

by Andrew B. Einhorn May 19 2008, 09:14 AM

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The Week's Best Jokes

by Andrew B. Einhorn May 16 2008, 09:48 AM

"Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. call, it's from a collection agency." --David Letterman
"I don't know if Barack Obama's getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that's what he said. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. But she did not sign a prenup. Apparently, the family doesn't believe in exit strategies." --Craig Ferguson
"Yesterday on 'Live with Regis and Kelly,' John McCain showed one of his baby pictures. That was nice. The picture was on loan from the Museum of Natural History. Yeah, it was beautiful. It shows him discovering fire and bringing it to the village." --Conan O'Brien
The Obama camp is busy printing T-shirts that highlight Obama as an instrument of change. In response, McCain's campaign director began printing shirts bearing the words "McCain: A New Kind of Old White Guy." --The OhMyGov! Team
"Senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president of the United States. Wow! Wow. He is going to need more than two Americas to hide from Hillary Clinton. Well, with that endorsement, I believe the Obama camp has won the support of its first white male." --Stephen Colbert
"According to a survey in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of Americans think John McCain is too old to be president. The other 68 percent who participated in the survey are retired and living in Ft. Lauderdale." --The OhMyGov! Team

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Man suing prison system for not supplying enough food caught giving away meals

by Andrew B. Einhorn May 15 2008, 03:03 PM

A Benton County, Arkansas inmate who filed a prisoner civil rights lawsuit in April in U.S. District Court claiming that he's losing too much weight was caught giving away his food. The complaint stated the jail doesn't provide enough food for inmates, but deputies witnessed Broderick Lloyd Laswell wrap a sandwich in toilet paper and attempt to slide it under a cell door, according to reports provided by Jail Capt. Hunter Petray.

Laswell reportedly weighed 413 pounds when arrested in September and in April weighed 308 pounds.
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Letter to the Editor: Get that cop out of my handicap parking space!

by Andrew B. Einhorn May 12 2008, 09:57 AM

To Whom It May Concern,

I’ve attached a picture of a State Police Vehicle Illegally parked in Quincy, MA [MA License Plate # 1768]. From what I hear, this officer illegally parks here all the time. As a person with a physical disability, I am appalled by this behavior. I struggle everyday to find parking spots and it would not be so difficult if people like this officer didn’t illegally park.

This is completely unacceptable and this officer should be immediately reprimanded. Please keep me posted on this issue.

Thank you,

Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for writing us. It's a shame when police officers feel they are above the law. It's even worse when their actions affect other citizens and public safety.

We will be sending your letter to the appropriate...

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The Week's Best Late-night Jokes

by Andrew B. Einhorn May 09 2008, 03:03 PM

"Hillary Clinton says she isn't dropping out because there are still six states that haven't had their Democratic primary. That's right. Barack Obama's favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial." --Conan O'Brien
"Former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pickup truck. True. And like all the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pickup truck, it began, 'You have beautiful eyes.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Hey, you know who is getting married this weekend? One of the Bush sisters. Jenna Bush, is getting married this weekend at her father's place in Crawford, Texas. And this is no surprise: the $2 billion ice sculpture contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman
"I guess it's neck and neck with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. They've got a big primary tomorrow, and they're everywhere right now. Yesterday's entire 'Meet the Press' was devoted to Barack Obama, while the entire 'This Week with George Stephanopoulos' was devoted to Hillary Clinton. ... Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a 'Golden Girls' marathon." --Conan O'Brien

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Porn ban proposed on military bases

by Andrew B. Einhorn May 09 2008, 11:14 AM

U.S. Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) has decided to focus his efforts on an important issue plaguing the U.S. military: porn.

Recently, the distinguished gentleman from Georgia introduced legislation that would ban the sale of sexually explicit material on military bases by lowering the threshold required to deem material "sexually explicit."

Soldiers are up in arms about the proposal. Some say the ban is bad for morale; others claim they read the magazine for the stories and "new gadgets" featured inside. Due to the don't ask don't tell policy, there's no way to determine why.

Last year, a Department of Defense committee that reviews materials sold on bases ruled that magazines such as Playboy and Penthouse are not pornographic. But Broun's Military Honor and...

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Man trying to change name to "In God We Trust"

by Mark Malseed May 05 2008, 01:08 PM

If all goes well at the Lake County courthouse on June 13, Steve Kreuscher of Zion, Ill., an artist and father of four, will walk out a new man with a new name: "In God We Trust."

As reported in suburban Chicago's Daily Herald , the soon-to-be Mr. We Trust -- "In God" will be his first name -- seeks the new name as a symbol of God's guidance through dark times. Though he left organized religion 20 years ago, Kreuscher said his trust in God helped him get through depression, divorce, financial troubles, and a life-threatening home invasion.

He's also worried that atheists may succeed in getting the words taken off of U.S. currency. "Those words are an endangered species," Kreuscher said. "You might take it off the money, but you can't take...

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Stewart tackles abstinence only education

by Eliza Krigman May 01 2008, 09:29 AM

Related Articles:
House Committee meeting on Abstinence education only reveals human tragedy

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Best jokes of the week

by Andrew B. Einhorn Apr 25 2008, 09:59 AM

"Even though she won yesterday, Hillary Clinton's campaign is now $10 million in debt. $10 million in debt, and, ironically, her big issue: 'I can handle the economy.'" --Jay Leno
"Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Apparently he didn't feel he was ready for 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?'" --David Letterman
"No one talks about John McCain anymore because he won his side of the thing, and now he's just wandering around. … So he's trying to do things to get press, this week John McCain is on a tour of what he calls 'Forgotten Places in America.' Forgotten places, yeah. Which, at his age, means just about everywhere." --Conan O'Brien
"Hillary, she went all out. She pulled out all the stops to win in the state of Pennsylvania. The other day, this is true, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. And Bill Clinton visited several lesbian bars, too, but he wasn't campaigning. He was actually just there anyway." --Conan O'Brien
"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher

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