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Posted by: OhMyGov! | 06:33 AM
10. "Well, President Obama, turning up the pressure on Congress to pass this health care reform. In fact, he's telling Democrats, if they don't vote for this bill, he will go out and campaign for them in November." -Jay Leno
9. "In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama called for an overhaul of the 'No Child Left Behind' law. It will now be called 'The World Needs Janitors, Too.'" -Jimmy Fallon
8. "Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Republicans are now working on declaring March 18 as St. Obama Day. They want to honor the president for driving all the Democrats out of Washington." -Jay Leno
7. "Mayor Bloomberg has done a remarkable job. Yesterday, he was twice mistaken for a leprechaun." -David Letterman
6. "C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN." -Jimmy Fallon
5. "In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards's mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn't his mistress, she was just playing the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!" -Jay Leno
4. "This is pretty cool. One of President Obama's childhood friends just found a photo of Obama as a schoolboy, taken more than 40 years ago. It's just him and some kids playing little Barack's favorite school game, 'give the speech.'" -Jimmy Fallon
3. "Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up to the 11th century. So that's good." -David Letterman
2. "In Irish lore, leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. But here in New York, things are a little different - at the end of the rainbow, there's just a gay bar." -Jimmy Fallon
1. "It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson's disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let's party!" -Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Twitter
10. You miss son's soccer game waiting for Lady Gaga to post what she had for lunch 9. You answer the phone: "Twello?" 8. You've spent millions developing iPhone waterproofing technology so you can tweet in the shower 7. You haven't touched your CB radio in months 6. You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?" 5. You sleep-tweet 4. No No. 4 - writer on Twitter 3. You stopped paying attention to this list after the first 140 characters 2. Even Ashton Kutcher thinks you tweet too much 1. Walked in on the landscaper "retweeting" your wife
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Posted by: OhMyGov! | 12:05 PM
The Onion News Network breaks story of Obama lip syncing speech. Despite the controversy, Obama will not be altering the schedule of his upcoming tour opening for the Black Eyed Peas.
Posted by: OhMyGov! | 06:56 AM
10. "Rush Limbaugh says if health care reform passes, he's going to leave the country and move to Costa Rica. Hey, you know what that means, right? That means one less overweight smoker the rest of us don't have to pay for." –Jay Leno
9. "According to the New York Post, Tiger Woods has hired former President Bush's press secretary Ari Fleischer to help with his public relations campaign. Is George Bush's guy really the one you want in charge of your approval rating? If it was up to me, I'd hire Clinton's guy." -Jimmy Kimmel
8. "Record ratings for the Oscars. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made -- Bush and Cheney." -Jay Leno
7. "President Obama's been really busy, you guys. He's making his final push on health care reform. Yesterday, Obama warned that insurance companies will continue to drop people's coverage when they need it. Or as iPhone users call that, 'The AT&T option.'" -Jimmy Fallon Bottom of Form
6. "A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he's doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something." –Jay Leno
5."New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it's not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it's Eric Massa trying to get in your pants." -Jay Leno
4. "Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" -Jay Leno
3. "Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke." –Jay Leno
2. "Yesterday, the White House said that it wants to pass the health care bill by March 18, or March 19. But at the very, very latest, March 21. Unless they have to wait until March 23, in which case they'll definitely want to pass it by April 6. Or April 8. Definitely by April 10. The 6th through the 10th, or possibly April 12 is a possibility. April 12, 2025, will definitely be the date. If not then, 2027. And if that doesn't come to fruition then, it's going to cut it off at 2040. So there you go. So, we'll have the health care bill by 2040, hopefully." –Jimmy Fallon
1. "And in an interview in Time magazine, former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York -- I love this -- he said that having sex with hookers is not nearly as bad as having an affair. Guys, let me tell you something. Don't try this excuse at home, O.K. Eliot Spitzer is a politician. He is a trained professional liar. You will get killed!" -Jay Leno
And one to get you prepared for “Celebrity Apprentice”
David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing On 'Celebrity Apprentice' 10. 'Can I get paid in shampoo?' 9. 'Would I rather stay unemployed than work for Trump?' 8. 'Should I bring my attorney?' 7. 'Do I have anything better to do?' 6. 'Is there any chance NBC will replace me with Leno?' 5. 'Can I get paid in conditioner?' 4. 'Haven't I been through enough?' 3. 'How about my own show, 'The Haircut Ref?'' 2. 'How come I'm not a governor and Paterson is?' 1. 'Will my hair get along with Trump's hair?'
Jay Leno is back!?
Posted by: OhMyGov! | 05:39 PM
10. "Bernie Madoff's daughter-in-law, Stephanie Madoff, is changing her name. She says the Madoff name is tainted with scandal and she wants a name with less negative connotation. She is now known as Stephanie bin Laden." -Craig Ferguson
9. "Did you hear that Rush Limbaugh's Manhattan penthouse is on the market for $14 million? It's an amazing property. Over 4,000 square feet. And that's just the medicine cabinet." -Craig Ferguson
8. "Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? ... Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys 'R' Us parking lot...Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, 'Am I still drunk, or is that a kid's voice?'" -Jay Leno -Jay Leno
7. "Now how about this? Dick Cheney had his fifth heart attack. He's O.K., resting comfortably. And the doctor, after they made the diagnosis, stamped his card and the sixth one is free." -David Letterman
6. "I love the biathlon. That's the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, 'date night.'" -Jay Leno
5. "I've been really busy. I picked up a gig in Las Vegas at the Legends show, playing Tina Fey." -Sarah Pali
4. "Keanu Reeves will star in 'Speed 3.' The first 'Speed' was about a runaway bus, the second was about a boat, and the third one is going to be about a Toyota." -Jay Leno
3. "The truth is though I'm glad I'm not vice president. I'm glad because I would not know what to do with all that free time." -Sarah Palin
2. "President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country." -Jay Leno
1. "But Obama's physical turned out great. The doctor said a couple of things. He said: 'Cut out the cigarettes. Also, try to stay out of Toyotas.'" -David Letterman
Sarah Palin jokes from her Stand-Up Comedy Routine on The Tonight Show
Bill Maher leads the pack
Posted by: OhMyGov! | 07:23 AM
10. "About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done." –Craig Ferguson
9. "President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher." -Bill Maher
8. "I watched some of this health care summit. I don't feel any healthier at all. It may be time to send Seacrest in to get people to vote on this thing. It seems to be the only efficient decision-making system this country has, right?" -Jimmy Kimmel
7. "The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon
6. "We're finding out a lot about Joe Stack. That's right, Joe the Suicide Bomber, the guy who flew the plane into the IRS office building in Texas. Boy, I knew teabaggers were mad, I didn't know they had an air force." -Bill Maher
5. "Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'" -Bill Maher
4."At the end of all of this, Obama says he doesn't think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You're just figuring that out now? Obama's like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres." -Bill Maher
3. "Something weird happened in the hospital. When they were putting the electrodes on him for the EKG, he suddenly started screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything you want to know!'" –Jimmy Kimmel
2. "The Winter Olympics, apparently a big thing for a lot of people, and America has won the most medals. The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe." –Bill Maher
1. "It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything. I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company CEO appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion." -Jimmy Kimmel
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