1. “Remember Jesse Jackson speaking, when he thought the microphone was
off, said he'd like to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And in a rare
example of bipartisan support, Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho offered to guard them for Obama. How about that?” --Jay Leno
2. "John McCain's economic adviser, former Sen. Phil Gramm, is under fire
for calling Americans a bunch of whiners. He also said the country is
in a mental recession and we're experiencing a mental slowdown. John McCain says he can use that to his advantage, as he's the poster-grandpa for mental slowdowns." --The OhMyGov! Team
3. “Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack
Obama promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them
a dog. That's the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a
dog after the election. And the good news -- Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that's terrific.” --Jay Leno
4. “According to a new poll -- true story -- most voters think Barack Obama has a better smile than John McCain.
That's what they're saying. They say he has a better smile than John
McCain. Yeah, apparently, this is because McCain takes his smile out
every night and puts it in a glass of water.” --Conan O’Brien
5. “Did you see that Indymac Bank that collapsed here in California? All
those poor people waiting in line -- my God. But the Feds say not to
worry if your money's in a bank, because the government will guarantee
it will be there. Remember, they also guaranteed WMDs and guaranteed New Orleans that FEMA would show up. Consider the source!” --Jay Leno
6. “Obama's camp initially agreed that the cartoon was, "tasteless
and offensive." Really? You know what your response should have been?
It's very easy. Here, let me put the statement out for you. Barack
Obama is in no way upset about the cartoon that depicts him as a Muslim
extremist, because you know who gets upset about cartoons? Muslim
extremists. Of which Barack Obama is not. It's just a f**king cartoon.”
--Jon Stewart, on the New Yorker Cartoon controversy
7. "The sordid life of Jessica Cutler, the former Congressional staffer who blogged about her paid sexual relations with government officials and was ultimately fired for talking about it (not for doing it), will soon be featured in an HBO comedy series called Washingtonienne. Apparently, Bill Clinton keeps showing up for auditions as Cutler's client, but he recently stopped after his wife, taking a lesson from Jesse Jackson, threatened to cut his balls off." --The OhMyGov! Team
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