1. "The Supreme Court has ruled that individuals have the right to carry guns...When the decision was read, it created pandemonium in the court. Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down. And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out on the lawn and peppered a buddy with some birdshot." –David Letterman

2. "John McCain and Barack Obama are bickering about what to do when they catch Osama bin Laden.  Obama wants to bring him to trial, but John McCain wants to send him on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney followed by a personalized tour of Guantanamo Bay. --The OhMyGov! Team

3."President Bush went to Iowa today. Really, what's the hurry? Don't want to make the Katrina people jealous. No, he wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people from Iowa were a little confused. They weren't sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods, or his presidency." --Jay Leno

4."Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

5."Hillary Clinton recently returned from a vacation.  Apparently all the stress of flying around the country on a corporate jet and ignoring her responsibilities as a New York Senator was just too much to take.  She needed a vacation from the 7 months off she had taken from her job.  Come to think of it, she's been following Bush's lead of doing nothing and then going on vacation." --The OhMyGov! Team 

6."Hey, there was an interesting study released today which says that people who live here in the state of California are less convinced that there is a God than the people of any other state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires here in California are currently burning out of control." --Jimmy Kimmel

7. "Here's good news -- Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Isn't that what he was doing for Hillary? But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I'm thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader." --David Letterman