10. You are receiving this message because I am out of the office.  If I was in, I'd mark your email as spam.

9. I am out of the office target shooting and will return when my skills are properly honed.

8. I will be out of the office this week sipping pina coladas on a beach in the Caribbean. Don't expect a postcard.  

7. Your email will be ignored in the order it was received.

6. Thank you for your subscription to Barely Legal.  Your first issue will arrive within one week at the address associated with this email.  

5. I will be out of the office interviewing for a different job and will return if I do not receive a job offer.

4. I am currently out of the office receiving sensitivity training.  I will return when management has deemed me gay.

3. Thank you for your email.  Unfortunately, there was an error.  Please resend your message in a recognizable font.

2. I am spending the week devising ways to blame others for my screw ups and will return when I've decided whose job I want.

1. Thank you for your email.  I am currently away from my office and undergoing surgery.  When I return, please refer to me as Stephanie instead of Steve.