10. "Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He's
not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face." –Jay
Leno
9. "This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick
Santorum is so conservative he won't watch a baseball game because there's a
pitcher and a catcher…He is so conservative that he won't masturbate because it
involves sex with a guy…In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won't even let
the UPS guy handle his package. That's how conservative...You think he's bad...
Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn't even want pirates touching their own
booty.” –Jay Leno”” –Jay Leno
8. "Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert
operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key
to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail." –Conan
O'Brien
7. “Rick Santorum also said that global warming is politics,
not science. And he said he'll defend that position to the edge of the earth.
"If I have to fall off..." –Jay Leno
6. “CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP
candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt
Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon
5. "A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang
leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by
side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can't agree on Mitt
Romney. That doesn't make any sense." –Jay Leno
4. “President Obama's approval rating is up to 50 percent.
Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of
the Republican candidates is paying off.” –Jimmy Kimmel
3. “You can tell gas prices are going up in California.
Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” –Jay Leno
2. "Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which
explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing
this.’” –Jimmy Fallon
1. “Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has
decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the
Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization
that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but
that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate.” –Jimmy
Kimmel
For
our Maher Fans
“Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill.
He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to put something on to
prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.” –Bill Maher
“Mitt Romney could lose his home state of Michigan. He keeps shooting himself
in the foot. He wrote an Op-Ed in the Detroit newspaper reminding them that he
opposed the automobile bailout. And then he kicked off his Wisconsin ‘f**k
cheese’ tour.” –Bill Maher
"The FDA came out with a study. They discovered lead in 400 different
types of lipstick. And that's just from samples taken from Newt Gingrich's
penis." –Bill Maher
