Note:
Most of the
late-night shows are in reruns this week, but you can get your joke fix
by
reading our humor page.
10. "Earlier
this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend.
His
exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I
get a
job?'" –Conan O'Brien
9. "Big news in the
Republican ranks, there is a new front-runner: Herman Cain. The Republican
establishment is freaking out because their token black guy is in the lead now.
It's like an episode of Star Trek where the black guy beams down to the planet
and lives." –Bill Maher
8. "Almost all of Rick Perry's support appears to have
gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody
likes Mitt Romney." –Jon Stewart
7. "You got to feel bad for poor Mitt Romney. He's in their plugging every
week, and every week somebody gets ahead of him. The people who have led Mitt
so far: Donald Trump, then Michele Bachmann, then Rick Perry, now Herman Cain.
He's been led by a reality show star, a crazy lady, a stuttering cowboy, and
the guy who brings the pizza. That's gotta hurt a little." –Bill Maher
6. "Michelle Obama said her daughters watch 'Keeping Up With the
Kardashians' but that President Obama doesn't approve. Obama said, 'If I want
to see a giant butt who doesn't do anything, I'll have lunch with Joe Biden.'"
–Conan O'Brien
5. "Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a
billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he
wasn't kidding." –Jay Leno
4. "Herman Cain's plan to save the economy is '9-9-9.'
He keeps saying it every day like the Count on Sesame Street. Well, this week
we finally found out where he got it from. Not from an economist. He got it up
from the guy who works at his local Wells Fargo branch. Literally, it's like he
went down to deposit checks, and the teller said, 'Can I help with anything
else?' And he said, 'Yeah, can you re-write the tax code?'" –Bill Maher
3. "Yesterday, President Obama's teleprompter was stolen.
Police are on the lookout for a thief that's eloquent and spreading a message
of hope." –Conan O'Brien
2. "Bill O'Reilly calls them drug traffickers and
crackheads, he says they're out here having sex outside at night. Bill O'Reilly
– the only man in America who's make Andy Rooney seem hip. He also said they're
practicing free love, as opposed to the kind Bill tried to practice and cost
him a fortune in legal fees." –Bill Maher
1. "Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the
ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for
another four years." –Jay Leno
