10. "Well, in political news, the big upset. A
Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts, filling a seat once
held by Ted Kennedy. So, this could tip the delicate balance of power in the
U.S. Senate from the completely incompetent back to the morally corrupt. It is
Thursday, January 21st, or as John Edwards calls it, 'Father's Day.'" -Jay
Leno
9. "More problems for New York
Governor David Paterson. He drove across the bridge to New Jersey, apparently
he had an intimate lunch with a 34-year-old married woman. An eye witness said,
he was cuddling and kissing her neck. Now, I think the governor is a little
confused. Just because he's legally blind, doesn't mean we can't see him."
-Jay Leno
8. "During his acceptance speech
Tuesday, newly-elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older
daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right?
'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,'
'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.'" -Jimmy
Fallon
7. "There was a big Senate race in
Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he
mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his
campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for
America.'" -Conan O'Brien
6. "This isn't good. Erroll
Southers, Obama's pick to head the TSA, withdrew his name because he performed
an illegal background check on his ex-wife's boyfriend. Yeah. Still, that's an
improvement from the TSA's normal procedure: not performing background
checks." -Jimmy Fallon
5. "Well, this is pretty sleazy.
According to Edwards' former aide, a guy named Andrew Young, he says in an
upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby to do
a DNA test. Apparently, the test shows that both the diaper and John Edwards
were full of crap." -Jay Leno
4. "The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy's seat. The White House said today, Scott
Brown won 'cause he ran a clever campaign. And Harry Reid said he won because
he's a light skinned brown, with no Negro accent. That's what he said."
-Jay Leno
3. "During Malia's recital, Obama
was so proud. He kept turning to other parents saying, 'That's my daughter up
there.' And the other parents were like, 'You mean the snowflake surrounded by
Secret Service? Yeah, we got it. We know who your daughter is.'" -Jimmy
Fallon
2. "I read that a year into Obama's
first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and
there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was
like, 'Yeah, technically that is change.'" -Jimmy Fallon
1. "Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the
most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes
Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care
reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and
the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have
then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did
whenever the f**k he wanted." -Jon Stewar