9. "In what reporters are calling a very strange press conference, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine blamed his re-election loss on the fact that he has a beard. He said he believes Americans won't elect a leader with a beard. Yeah, I'll mention that to Abraham Lincoln next time I see him." -Jay Leno

8. "Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" -Conan O'Brien

7. "People see her (Sarah Palin) as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama." -Jimmy Kimmel

6. "It's been announced that President Obama's first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems." -Conan O'Brien

5. "The Senate unveiled its own version of the healthcare bill yesterday. It will cost $849 billion and cover 31 million Americans. It's so exciting. That means we're close to having that bill voted on by the Senate, then combined with the bill in House, then re-voted on again by both houses and then signed into law, which will take effect in three years. Exciting, right?!" -Jimmy Fallon

4. "She believes that women are held to a higher standard than men. She quotes Margaret Thatcher, who said, 'If you want something done, ask a woman.' I guess that's why she asked a woman to write the book for her." -Jimmy Kimmel

3. "Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he's known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it's like the Abbott and Costello routine. 'Sir, Hu's here.' 'Who's here to see me?' 'That's what I'm telling you. Hu.' 'What are you talking about?'" -Craig Ferguson

2. "President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok." -Jay Leno

1. "Earlier today, President Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China. He said it was, quote, 'magical' as opposed to two years ago, when former President Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!'" -Conan O'Brien

And two more for extra measure...

1. "In Washington, D.C., today, the Senate paid tribute to West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, who officially became the longest serving lawmaker in the history of Congress. He turns 92 on Friday. He's still senating. His fellow senators honored him on the Senate floor. They were strongly urged to keep speeches brief, just in case." -Jimmy Kimmel

2. . "You know who's coming to New York City? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is coming here. He's coming to New York City for the big trial, and also, he's promoting his new book, 'Really Going Rogue.'" -David Letterman

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[+] Auto-Tune the News: Michael Jackson, drugs and Palin.

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[+] Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game: Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks