9. "This is a disturbing trend: celebrity death hoaxes
on Twitter. Yesterday Kanye West was rumored to be killed in a car accident.
Today, Kanye, announced that he's not dead. He just wishes he was."
--Jimmy Kimmel
8. "Yesterday, President Obama was
in New Orleans. A little boy asked President Obama, 'Why do people hate you?'
Then the little boy turned to Joe Biden and said, 'I know why people hate
you.'" --Conan O'Brien
7. "And according to USA Today,
car thefts are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when
the owner's living in it." -Jay Leno
6. "The Dow hit 10,000 this week,
everybody! For the first time since the market collapse. And people were so
excited, they took to the streets to celebrate, which is easy because so many
of them live there." --Bill Maher
5. "I don't know if you saw it
Friday. That whole -- people thought the 6-year-old kid was in the balloon. I
mean, it was so tense, Maria Shriver put down her cell phone while driving,
picked up her Sony TV Watchman to watch." --Jay Leno
4. "President Obama announced he
wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his 'Cash
for Geezers' program...Actually, if you're a senior citizen working on Wall
Street, then you get $250 million." --Jay Leno
3. "And the Post Office may cancel
Saturday delivery of the mail. Do you know about this? See, for young people
before texting and twittering, you used to send pieces of paper to each
other." --Jay Leno
2. "Olympia Snowe's vote was
hailed as a victory for bipartisanship. So now you only need one Republican to
be bipartisan? Those are pretty low standards. That's like saying you're
bilingual if you say 'Hola' to the nanny." --Seth Meyers
1. "Yesterday in Louisiana, a
judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote,
their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when
they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar." --Jay
Leno
Note: The rest of the late-night shows
are in re-runs this week
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