10. "Experts say the Osama bin Laden tape was recorded recently, because it's mostly just ranting about how Susan Boyle got robbed. 'She has the voice of an angel, dammit. You will pay for this!'" --Craig Ferguson

9. "North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il, is in the process of deciding who is going to be his successor and the most likely person is his youngest son, Kim Jong-Un. Yeah. Kim Jong-Un says he's excited but realizes he's got some awfully big women's sunglasses to fill." --Conan O'Brien

8. "Yeah, Cheney's all hot about it. He says America is now less safe. He said Obama is making America less safe. And then to prove his point, Cheney shot a hunting buddy in the face. That's exactly what he did." --David Letterman

7. "Rush Limbaugh said today he might change his mind about something. I'm like, what?! He said he might support President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court. Wow! Sounds like someone got a new prescription." --Craig Ferguson

6. "Have any of you been watching this show, 'Inside the Obama White House'? It's a reality show, set in the White House. Twenty-five women and Brian Williams compete for Barack Obama's love. And Congress votes them out one by one." --Jimmy Kimmel

5. "President Bush is back in the news. That's right. In a recent interview, former President Bush said that no longer being president is a, quote, liberating feeling. Yep. That's what he said, yeah. When asked what he's been doing since leaving the White House, Bush said, 'Learning the word liberating.'' --Conan O'Brien

4. "Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman

3. "Most Republicans aren't unhappy with the date itself they're just mad because it cost $100,000. They did their best to keep costs down, the Obamas. Well, they didn't have to pay for a babysitter, because their older daughter watches the younger daughter and then the younger daughter watches Joe Biden." --"I'm kidding! They have their dog watch Biden." --Craig Ferguson

2. "Former Vice President, current Wal-Mart greeter Dick Cheney, surprised everyone in a speech yesterday when he said that he supports a state's right to legalize gay marriage. And it only took 11 seconds on the waterboard to get him to say it." --Jimmy Kimmel

1. "Sotomayor brings up the most despicable discrimination against white males out there, that we have no life stories! Sure, Obama's life story shaped him. Same goes for Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. And now everyone's saying it about Sonia Sotomayor. Notice how no one ever talks about the unique journey of a white male like Mitt Romney! You don't think his judgment and empathy were forged by long, hard days working at his family's mayonnaise farm?" -Stephen Colbert