1.  "Did you see President Obama standing next to Governor Schwarzenegger? Didn't the President look like the head of a company who's introducing its latest cyborg model to the world?" --Jay Leno

2. "I heard this today, a new audiotape from Osama bin Laden was released. On the tape, he says he doesn't care what anyone says, he's not giving back his bonus money." --Jimmy Fallon

3. "'The Washington Post' reporting that senior executives at AIG whose decisions caused the companies to collapse are long gone and that these bonuses that everybody's complaining about are actually being paid to people who are trying to fix the problem. Okay, here's my thing. Fix the problem, then you get the bonus." --Jay Leno

4.  "Obama had a town hall meeting with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Unfortunately the guy running the teleprompter screwed up and Obama wound up starting his speech by saying, 'I'll be back' and 'Hasta la vista baby.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

5. "AIG, which already received $170 billion in taxpayers' money, paid $165 million in bonuses. But they say the bonuses are justified because the company made an extra $170 billion last year." --Jay Leno

6.  "George Bush is writing a book. No, that's not the joke. It's a serious book about the 12 toughest decisions he made as President. It's called 'The Ten Toughest Decisions I Made As President.' It's a good book. It's a pop-up book."--Jimmy Fallon

7. "Earlier this week, Republican Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa said that AIG executives should follow the Japanese model by publicly apologizing and then doing one of two things - either resign or kill themselves. But why not have them resign, then kill themselves on pay per view, huh? That would raise enough money to pay off everybody they screwed." --Jay Leno

8. On Dick Cheney's TV interviews: "You know, I don't understand this. The guy is vice president for eight years, you barely see a whiff of him. He lives in some subterranean lair, literally has his house removed from Google Earth. Then, when he's no longer accountable to the American people, he's popping up everywhere, can't get him off my TV. He's like the Mario Lopez of doom now." --Jon Stewart

9. "I want to go to Papa Jong's, the new North Korean pizzeria. It is going to be good. The delivery policy at the North Korean pizzeria is a little different. If the pizza is not there in 30 minutes or less, the driver gets executed."--Jimmy Fallon

10. "I like Grassley's idea, but here's my question: where was Congress when everything was falling apart, you know? They're supposed to be looking out for us. Here's a better idea. How about AIG and Congress making a giant suicide pact?" --Jay Leno

11. "In honor of St. Patrick's Day, the water in the fountains at the White House today was dyed green, which might be the only green a lot of Americans see this year so enjoy it." --Jimmy Kimmel

12.  "The U.S. Justice department said they will no longer use the term 'enemy combatant' when talking about detainees at Guantanamo Bay. The new name will be 'guys who make you nervous when they're on your flight.' --Jay Leno

13.  "By the way, while you were laughing, AIG just handed out another $100 million in bonuses." --David Letterman

And we would be remiss not to show...the Jay Leno bowling clip