1. "Barack Obama,
what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a
neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally,
John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a
door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman
2. "But I personally am not worried about John McCain. The Lord is on his
side. After all, John McCain's led a very Biblical life. Like his
namesake Cain, he is not afraid to go negative on a brother. Like John
the Baptist, he paved the way for the new Messiah [Sarah Palin], and like Moses, he takes advice from a Bush who is going
up in flames." --Stephen Colbert
3. "This Joe the Plumber
has been all over the place. He's been on Good Morning America, he was
on FOX News, he was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has
done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain." --Jay Leno
4. "Did you hear what happened at a rally yesterday? Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers.
You know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few
weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate. It
happens." --David Letterman
5. "A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama
is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward,
because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'"
--Jay Leno
6. "A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause
they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they
apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'"
--Conan O'Brien
7. "They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nalin' Palin.'
They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this
porn movie. It's called 'Nalin' Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys
to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'"
--Jay Leno
8. "Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report,
Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that
was an ethics violation. Wow, she's only been on the national scene a
month, already has an ethics violation? Who said she's not ready for
Washington?" --Jay Leno
9. "Boy, you can sure tell that it's 2008. The campaign has really changed
from when I was a kid running for office, because Barack Obama has
purchased his own satellite TV station to run campaign commercials.
Isn't that amazing? His own satellite station to run campaign
commercials. Meanwhile, John McCain's VCR is still bleeping '12:00.'"
--David Letterman
10. "Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the
debate? I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta." --David
Letterman
11. "And they gave out the Nobel Prize for economics this week. Interesting.
It went to a highly intelligent economist. His theory is a little hard,
I think, for the average person to comprehend. I'm going to break it
down. This is his theory. He determined that it was bad business to give
loans to people who can't pay them back! Apparently, we don't understand
that in this country." --Jay Leno
12. "As we speak, Barack Obama and John McCain have just finished their
third and final debate. Now, in the latest New York Times poll,
McCain trails by 14 points. So it is clear what this debate needed to be
for him. People are saying McCain needs a game-changer in the
final debate. Hopefully he can change that game to golf. That way the
lowest score wins." -Stephen Colbert
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